honesty

since this blog is about my health and wellness im going to delve into my mental health (issues) for a while.

when i was in my mid teens, some time after my mom was killed, i was diagnosed as borderline personality.. some of the symptoms include:

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

the only part of this thati dont feel like i have is the impulsiveness with money. im cheap as hell. but i often struggle with feeling alone, abandoned, angry, and i have had issues with self harm since i was about 13. in fact i still have issues with cutting myself. 

this has reared its ugly head a lot in my life lately. i KNOW that i have a great life. i am able to stay at home and raise my kids, i have a wonderful husband who does everything he can to support me and works hard so that i am able to stay home. he doesnt have huge issues with the fact that i dont drive.. but yet i push and push at him because i really feel like i am unlovable. I know that i have to keep myself aware that this is a problem. i do not want to get put on meds for this, because i do not like big pharma. i want to take care of this with eating right and exercising, and taking herbal suplaments. everything i have read tells me that daily exercise, and eating right will help me to feel better, and just being mindful of what is going on in my head. i need to stop the negative thoughts before they consume me. i need to talk. i need to dance. i need to cuddle. i need to live. so i am going to find a place to volunteer... like the animal shelter, im going to give love to animals that have been thrown out.. im going to eat better, and dance and do my nails.